The Wildwood Men's Triathlon Was This Past Friday. 53 Arrests.
- Slow Tony Fabulous
- 6 days ago
- 1 min read
The Wildwood Police and Lucas Films co-sponsored the 4th Annual Wildwood Men’s Triathlon this past Friday. An informal rule of the competition is that each contestant must have a white-trash Star Wars nickname. Last year’s winner was Duke Cloudhiker, also known as “Puke Skywalker.”
The event consists of three stages:
1. swimming one mile across Wildwood Bay while keeping your cigarette dry
2. completing a ten-mile ride on a stolen bike while being chased by your ex-wife
3. hopping two miles with a kilo of cocaine between your legs.
The event is BYOC (“Bring Your Own Cocaine”), as the police are legally prohibited from supplying it.
“This was both a fun and easy way to round up criminals,” said Sgt. Frank Frankenfrank. “At first, we didn’t think anyone would be dumb enough to show up carrying a kilo, but people’s competitive nature always kicks in. The race ends inside the prison grounds.”
This year’s winner was Juan Bonzalez, a.k.a. “Obi Juan BonJovi,” who received the first-place prize of solitary confinement.
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