UNO Rules - Wildwood Edition

Rule 1 — The Sobriety Rule

If you are sober enough to count points at the end of the game to determine who won, you are not from Wildwood. Move to Cape May if you like math and sobriety.

Rule 2 — The Skip Card Rule

A Skip card must be played while holding the edge of the card between your index finger and thumb, with your middle finger extended toward the recipient of the card.

Rule 3 — The +2 Rule

It is mandatory to argue about whether a +2 can be played on top of another +2. Players are expected to agree or disagree with the rule based solely on whether it benefits them at that moment. It is perfectly acceptable to take the opposite position the next time the situation arises.

Rule 4 — The 6-on-9 Rule

A 6 may be placed on a 9 if you want to have sex with the player who discarded the previous card. When playing the card, you are required to say, “Dude.”

Rule 5 — The Calendar Rule

If your turn has been skipped or reversed three times, it is understandable if you lose track of the day of the week.

Rule 6 — The Cheating Rule

There is no reason to respect people who are playing UNO. Therefore, cheating is perfectly acceptable.

Rule 7 — The Brown Color Rule

If you fart during the game, you are required to announce, “The new color is brown.” Under the “Smelt it, dealt it” principle, anyone who complains is the dealer for the next round.

Rule 8 — The AI Rule

If you have ever used AI to learn “strategies for winning UNO,” you take the fun out of everything.

Rule 9 — The Alzheimer Rule

If a player forgets that it is their turn for more than 10 seconds, the dealer may give that player three additional cards and a shot glass of toilet water.

Rule 10 — The Wildwood Traffic Rule

The official Mattel rule states that turns proceed clockwise at the beginning of the game. However, like Wildwood stop signs and laws against public drunkenness, no one is enforcing the rule.

Rule 11 — The Discard Pile Rule

If the discard pile becomes completely disorganized and someone complains about it, you are required to quote John Malkovich from the 1998 movie Rounders using an oddball Russian accent:

“In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the fuck I please.”

Rule 12 — The Bathroom Rule

If you need to take a shit during an active game, you may leave the table only if you can successfully throw down a 2.

Rule 13 — The Ultimate Shitting-Your-Pants Rule

If you shit your pants during the game because you were unable to throw down a 2, you must remain in the game until it is over. If you win the round, you may place your underwear on the table, walk away, and leave it for someone else to deal with.