Wildwood Government Selling Roadkill To Local Restaurants. Clean Streets and Cheap Meats.

El Cajones Mexican Restaurant on New Jersey Avenue has become the first restaurant to purchase its meat through Wildwood’s government-sponsored roadkill program. The program collects, processes, and sells meat from animals killed on the roads, beaches, and sidewalks at heavily discounted prices. El Cajones has already added Seagull Tacos, Horseshoe Crab Tamales, and Slow Cat Quesadillas to its menu.

The public reception to these new Mexi-Meats has been generally positive. However, the New Jersey Department of Health has issued a warning about a newly identified illness known as OGH, allegedly linked to consuming meat found on the road. OGH (One Giant Hand), is not considered fatal, but health officials are concerned about a particularly disturbing side effect: the enlargement of one hand to as much as four times its normal size.

“There’s been a lot of attention focused on the grotesque physical mutations, but why is no one talking about the lost government revenue?” asks Wildwood Councilwoman Anu Sfartez. “If consumers are avoiding Whale’s Dick Burritos because they’re afraid of growing one enormous hand, the city stands to lose a gigantic fistful of cash.”