Residents of Wildwood Lose An Extraordinary Amount Of Teeth, Tooth Fairy Exhausted

Wildwood residents are known for street-fighting, pulling their own teeth to make room for more food, and a methamphetamine usage rate twenty-five times higher than average. Together, these factors have resulted in widespread tooth loss and an unusually heavy reliance on the Tooth Fairy’s services.

“Like all young fairies, I dreamed of breaking into people’s homes to exchange hard-earned money for worthless teeth,” says the Tooth Fairy. “But my assignment in Wildwood has been challenging. People in this town lose a lot of teeth.”

“I’m not fucking Santa—I have a bus pass. I can’t service five hundred homes a day. On top of that, this job is dangerous. I’ve been shot at, roofied, sexually assaulted, and captured in multiple homemade traps.”

The stress of the job has taken a toll on the Tooth Fairy’s health. “The burdens of this work are causing me to lose my own teeth,” he explains. “And who’s going to put money under my pillow if I leave a tooth there? The only thing under my pillow is a pool of sparkling fairy barf after I plow through a thirty-pack of Miller Lite.”