Wildwood Educator Has Perfected The Blood Alcohol Level Necessary To Teach Fourth Grade Math.

Benjamin Recht has been teaching fourth-grade math at Glenwood Avenue Elementary for 22 years. He’s deeply concerned about his students’ lack of dedication and consistency. Leading by example, Ben has not missed a single day of class in over two decades—and has never had a blood alcohol level below 0.06.

"The sweet spot for teaching arithmetic to 10-year-olds is a 0.08 blood alcohol level," he says. "Once I’m in the zone after a few shots, teaching complex topics like long division becomes effortless. What better way to explain fractions than to demonstrate how two parts Coke to one part Jack creates liquid gold?"

When asked if alcohol could impair his teaching or endanger his students, Mr. Recht dismissed the concerns. "The rumors about former student Jimmy Flatt wandering onto Toledo Avenue and getting hit by a car because he sipped from my coffee cup are just that—rumors," he stated.