The Right-Wing Energy Of The Barefoot Music Festival Spawned A Giant Water Penis That Destroyed A Local Vegan Restaurant

Tens of thousands of people attended the Barefoot Music Festival this past weekend, celebrating freedom—and, oddly, choosing to spend that freedom listening to country music. The right-wing energy generated by countless rhinestone cowboy hats and T-shirts emblazoned with biblical verses spawned a giant water penis that destroyed a local vegan restaurant.

Patty Adams, owner of Patty's Vegan Patties, the restaurant that was destroyed, offered her thoughts on the disaster.

"Structural racism stiffened the water schlong that blasted through my store. I'd be angry, but the lack of meat in my diet has rendered me incapable of emotion."

Terrence, her on-again, off-again boyfriend who lives behind the restaurant, was quick to respond.

"She gets plenty of meat from ol' Terrence. Heh, heh."

Patty responds,  "Oh, shut up, Terrence, the ocean in this town is more erect than you. And no one is having sex with a man who lives in a shed behind a restaurant."