New Jersey Releases New Standards For Microaggressions. Meanwhile Wildwood Still Trying To Reduce Macroaggressions Like Street Fighting With Pipes.

Wildwood has been cited for microaggressions against the local animal ecosystem by the New Jersey Ministry of Diverse Animal Protection. A few of the directives from the state include:

1. “Crab” implies a bad attitude and damages the animal’s self-esteem. It should instead be referred to as a “feisty.”

2. Cats should no longer be called “pussies,” but rather “smileys.”

3. Seagulls should be referred to as “seathems” when their gender is unknown.

Deputy Mayor Ronald McDonna of Wildwood issued a statement in response: “Policing language is not a priority when we’re still dealing with macroaggressions like residents constantly street fighting with pipes and chains.”

A recent Wildwood statute aimed at limiting the size of pipes used during street fights to forty-two inches or less was soundly defeated at the ballot box. Local resident Roger Thaat explained his opposition to the measure: “My constitutional rights don’t stop at three and a half feet. If some guy in a stupid hat is four or five feet away, he probably needs a pipe to the head. The first thing Hitler took away from the Jews was their pipes.”

Many residents agree that a dented skull or a minor limp is a small price to pay for life in Wildwood’s vibrant culture. “You haven’t truly lived until you’ve ducked under the whoosh of a thick chain flying past your head and then smashed a guy in the temple and he crumples to the ground,” says Thaat. “After a good pipe fight, I like to pick up a loose woman for some smiley—and hope I don’t catch a case of the feisties.”