The Loch Ness Monster Moves To Wildwood Bay. Gains 3000 Pounds On American Diet.

Holly Nunsdick of Palm Avenue was walking her dog by the bay when she made a shocking discovery.

“I was taking a morning stroll when I saw 25 to 30 seagulls feasting on a 40-pound floating turd in the water. The biggest turd I’d ever seen before was maybe 20 pounds, so naturally, I was concerned—what kind of creature could produce something like this? Suddenly, a long-necked, scaly creature rose from the water and snatched the Egg McMuffin right out of my hand. I can’t say for sure, but I think it was the Loch Ness Monster.”

Apparently, the Loch Ness Monster has relocated from Scotland to Wildwood Bay. Pulpwild had the opportunity to sit down for an exclusive interview.

PW: Why did you move to America?

Nessie: Well, for starters, I woke up every morning to the booming fart noises of bagpipes. I prefer gangsta rap. Plus, in Scotland, dudes wear kilts with no underwear. And don’t even get me started on the Queen.

PW: The Queen is dead.

Nessie: So that pale twat of a son is King now?

PW: Yes, it was big news.

Nessie: I don’t hear much news, I live at the bottom of a dank bog.

PW: It must’ve been tough leaving your homeland.

Nessie: You think I have a passport and driver’s license? I’m a monster, not Scottish. My only loyalties are to eating, swimming, and rubbing my pussy against large rocks at the bottom of the bay. Now fook off—I’m about to eat that lady’s dog.

Nessie has fully embraced American culture. She now wears a cowboy hat, carries a gun, and has gained 3,000 pounds since arriving.