For 19th Year In A Row, The Most Commonly Lost Item In Wildwood During The Summer Was Virginity

An annual poll conducted by Hate My Feet Polling revealed the top five:

1. Virginity

2. Keys

3. Small Ziploc Bag of Meth or Cocaine

4. Phone

5. A Quiet Sense of Dignity

   
   

Wildwood resident Kelsey Bottoms recounts her transformation from a virgin to a hoe: “When I first came to Wildwood, I was a different person. I went to church every Sunday, was shy, and really didn’t relate to anyone except my cat, Charlie. But everything in Wildwood has alcohol in it, the air is full of marijuana smoke, and the gaudy colors painted on everything just squeeze my juices, so to speak. I’m basically a throbbing ovary now. I need it.”

*Research shows that no one loses their meth or cocaine. They use it and forgot or it is stolen.