Dolphins - Thugs of the Sea?

Devin Bacon of Millville, NJ, longs to once again witness the majesty of Wildwood’s dolphins. Those same majestic dolphins are currently having sex with a majestic ball of kelp.

Marine biologist Arthur Vandelay offers a sobering perspective: “People think of dolphins as sleek, intelligent, and sophisticated ambassadors of the ocean. In reality, they’re the most selfish and depraved pricks in the sea.”

Six-year-old Layla Clapton of Baker Street used to wear her dolphin slippers everywhere, proudly declaring dolphins as her favorite animal—until Dr. Vandelay shattered her illusions. While walking along the boardwalk, he reportedly shouted in her face, ‘Open your fucking eyes! These are basically sea monsters that would eat your soul if they could!’

Historical anecdotes seem to support Dr. Vandelay’s view of dolphins as oceanic delinquents. The beloved 1960s TV show Flipper portrayed the dolphin as fun-loving and helpful, but insiders claim Flipper refused to perform unless handlers rubbed his cock. Meanwhile, SeaWorld has documented numerous cases of dolphin trainers suffering PTSD after dolphins spiked their drinks with urine and stole their money.

Dr. Vandelay admits his hatred for dolphins is deeply personal. During a morning swim, his wife was seduced by a pair of particularly amorous dolphins. He’s now in the middle of a divorce, while his wife has taken up swimming full-time.